Cloud's Pool Party of Questionable Taste
by Esteban T. Rodriguez
Summary: Parody of Advent Children. When the clam juice named Jenova fell from the sky, it gave birth to faptastic Sephiroth who has at least five miles of sword. Includes blatant, merciless parody of wellestablished characters.
1. Fapping is addictive

Sunlight drifted into the dusty canyon on the northern side on the main continent. A red, furry lion type... thing with two cubs ran through to a high peak in the canyon. After roaring at the grassy ruins of Midgar, he turned to them, and in his deep, silky voice asked,

"How the hell did I have kids? I was supposed to be the last one of my kind. And how the hell can my grandfather be human?? That's just _wrong_."

---

The Lifestream is like the northern lights. It's shiny and doesn't do dick all. Some weird ass clam juice fell from the sky at least a hundred years ago. How should I know? I'm just a little kid. This clam juice made some emo kid called Sephiroth who carried a sword that was at least five miles long, who liked fire, caused all the fangirls (And some fan boys) to fap all night. Please, stop Denzel from fapping. He has to take out the garbage and do his other chores, but he can't because he likes fapping too much and he gets sore. Anyway, what kind of name is Denzel for a white kid? Denzel's a good ol' black name.

Denzel: Marlene, you're white too.

Marlene: Shut up, foo! Mah daddeh's a black man!

Denzel: You were adopted.

Marlene: Shuddup, cracka! (snaps fingers) Yeah I Di-id

--

Marlene Wallace sat by the bed, clicking her tongue. "Denzel, why aren't you taking out the garbage? Aren't you tired of fapping?"

"I caaaan't..." Denzel whined. "I've got ink on my forehead."

"I told you to have a bath," Marlene said. "Did an octopus cum on your face or something?"

Denzel looked from side to side, hesitantly replying "Maybe-"

"Oh, Denzel. What's Tifa gonna say?"

"We...we could say someone else did it; Like I fell down."

"I guess." Marlene sighed.

"Good." Denzel said. "Now YOU take out the garbage, woman."

"Well, I AM nothing without a man." Marlene said as she sidled off.

---

"Fucking phone," Tifa muttered. "I'm trying to run two businesses here, take care of several thousand kids because people obviously can't use condoms, and what does Cloud do? Come home in all hours of the night with some new boy or girl which I have to take care of for the next ten years. He's not here right now; He might be out looking for more kids to take downstairs to his room. He does that to every newcomer. He is so lonely without Aerith."

After looking around, seeing the Seventh Heaven was empty, she muttered "Better take a break before I start talking to myself again."

She goose-stepped up the stairs picking up the phone saying what Cloud always wanted her to say;

"Cloud Strife's Sexual Research in Children Center. Oh, hey, Reno! Uh huh. How's rude? Yeah, us girls get that every month. He'll be fine. Cook him dinner or something, that'll cheer him up. And try not to set fire to your cereal this time. Yeah, Cloud's off pouting that his old sword got all rusty. That's what happens when you leave it out in the rain. OK, I'll tell him. Tell Rude when his rag's over that we should totally hang out sometime. Go the Mall and look for new shoes and hot boys. Hey! I'm just kidding. No need to get jealous. OK, talk to you later. Bye."


	2. EmoCloud and Barret

Cloud sat atop his emo bike on top of an emo hill, thinking his emo thoughts whilst putting on his emo goggles. As he was checking his text messages from eighty people he either didn't know or didn't like, (But for some reason, he had them as his contacts) he got a message from Tifa.

"Cloud, stop cutting yourself and come take care of the bar. I need 'Tifa Time, dammit!"

"Phht! 'Vibrator Time', you mean," Cloud muttered. Thinking of something pink reminded him of Aerith, which brought on a new front of emo-sity. As he checked the rest of his voice mail, the pleasant electronic notified him "You have...no friends."

"SEZ YOU!" Cloud screamed, ripping his sword out of the ground and began to cut his wrist. After one small scratch, the sword, being bulky as it was, overbalanced in his hand and fell down the cliff, where it shattered into at least a hundred pieces.

"Guess I'm too stupid to cut," Cloud said and abandoned his 150 horsepower bike to a pink tricycle which he pedaled off with. The rider, (Being only three who Cloud had pushed off said bike, at the time, sniffing the leather seat and relishing in the 'little girl scent') called him an ass clown and stole his huge bike.

As Cloud pedaled along, gripping the small, superficial scratch he gave himself as though it were a more serious affliction, three motorbikes came to a stop the that same hill. One particular bishie rider asked "Hey Kadaj, is that where Big Brother lives?"

"SHUDDUP FOO! I not yo brudda!" Barret, wearing a silver wig and leather clothes that were way too small for him shouted back at Yazoo.

"Do you think he'll be happy to see us?"

"I'm not happy to see you!" Barret shouted. "What makes you think he will?!"

"Don't cry, Yazoo!" Loz sneered.

"Yeah, Yazoo! Don't cry!" The little kid who stole Cloud's bike said, cackling and driving off the cliff, which 'sploded and left the child for the wolves.

"Yeah, Kazoo!" Barret said.

At that point, Loz started bawling and making loud honking noises into his spotted hankey.

Barret then pointed toward the small figure, making slow progress on his trike in the chasm. "Dere he be! He comin'! Grab a towel!"

Even from hundreds of yards away, Cloud screams of "AERITH!" reached the three; clear as a bell.

"Go git 'im, Kazoo!" Barret said.

"Uhn, my name is _Ya_zoo, and why don't you go get him?"

"Do it, Cracka! Or I bust a cap in yo ass!"

Yazoo rolled his eyes, flipped his hair and drove off with a very feminine 'whatever'.

"IMMA CHARGIN MAH LAZUR!" Loz screamed as he rode after Yazoo.

Cloud pedaled his ass off, panting and sweating bullets, when the silver haired duo came up next to him; walking their bikes.

"Look, I'm not even going ten," Yazoo said. "Seriously."

"So..." Loz said, scratching the back of his neck awkwardly. "Umm, where's Mother?"

Cloud didn't reply, merely continuing to pedal as fast as he could. Which wasn't that fast, if you looked at the rumbling motorcycles on either side of him.

"Fine!" Yazoo huffed. "If you won't tell us, maybe you'll tell... THE DOMO-KUNS!"

A legion of brown, furry, pointy-toothed monsters came out of nowhere and ran after Cloud, flailing wildly.

"NUUUU!" Cloud screamed. "But I never killed any kittens! Well, my mom ran over one, BUT THAT WAS TEN YEARS AGO!"

Meanwhile, at the hilltop, Barret found a pay phone (Sitting in the middle of nowhere) and was shouting into it.

"Whaddup, biatch! Yeah, you do got mudda there! Where be ma momma, foo! I don' wanna talk to you no more! Yeah, I phones YOU! Shuddup an' put da president on!"

The other end, being a little old lady in Nibelheim, promptly hung up after realizing he had the wrong number.

As Cloud pedaled like mad trying to escape the Domokun brigade, Yazoo got tired of waiting and shot Cloud in the face.

"MY EMO GOGGLES!" Cloud shrieked. "Those were 394653090649043608943986 Gil!"

"Those were five gil from a kid on the street," Loz said.

"Yeah, well..." Cloud thought for a moment. "HA! Your gunshot only does 7 damage out of 40 HP!"

"What are you, level one?" Loz sneered.

"Yup!" Cloud puffed out his chest. "It took me the whole game time from FFVII to level up from zero! I so leet!"

Suddenly, all the Domo-kuns vanished. Barret waved at the two silver haired fags screaming "Caw-Caw! Caw-Caw!"

"What are you doing?" Loz asked.

"Animal call!" Barret shouted back. "We said we'd do animal calls!"

"I thought it was a dog we agreed on." Yazoo said.

"No, it was a fish!" Loz said.

"Fish don't make sounds, ya jackass!"

As they began to argue, Cloud left his trike and walked away. Surprisingly, he would walk faster than he could bike.


End file.
